My OCD

It's silly how I feel like I'm confessing something awful, as I've only ever willingly told about 5 people about my OCD, even after these 5 years. The majority of people I've told have been supportive at first but I barely ever speak of it again. It can be terribly isolating, as it's difficult to explain to someone why I'm washing my hands so much or why I can't eat meat anymore, leading me to hide how I'm actually feeling. As much as I try to explain it never seems to be enough, especially as I can see why someone else would be confused. 

When I'm washing my hands for the 50th time in a row I know in my head that my hands are clean but there's that voice in my head telling my otherwise and urging me to carry on. Or there's the time when I'm lying in bed and I see that there's a small gap in my curtain, immediately I believe that if I don't get up to close the gap that I'll get ill and if I get ill then I'll get the rest of my family ill. 

This is why I'm starting my third round of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy tomorrow (hoping for third time lucky!) and I want to blog truthfully about how it's going. After receiving my conditional offer for Physiotherapy at the University of Birmingham I've got a goal and I want to start my life again, hopefully without OCD still taking over my life! 

In preparation of tomorrow I've written some goals that I wish to achieve:

1. To be kinder to my body and mind
2. To feel emotions without feeling guilty
3. Be more confident
4. Smile more
5. Stop being terrified of words/numbers/photos
6. Eat without being terrified
7. Wash my hands less
8. Enjoy things
9. Be in the moment (if that moment is terrible- it's only temporary)
10. Try my hardest
11. Go to the cinema without having a panic attack
12. Order whatever I want from a restaurant without panicking for the next day
13. Stop having regrets- only learn from my mistakes
14. Don't let the good people in your life go
15. Be happy

If you have any experience of OCD or CBT feel free to comment or link to any blogs you know on the subject as it would be awesome to feel that I'm not alone!

I hope you have an awesome day :) 

Heather xoxo